2 posts tagged “bipolar”

we're winding down 2006, and i remember new year's eve 2005. (that new year's eve went into 2006, right?) hell you can read the entry here, on my old live journal. but the long-short of it, is that i went to some rave in west oakland with friends, and it was my first rave, and it was one of the worst experiences of my life/exercises in aloof awkwardness ever. and i sarcastically mentioned that i hope this rave was not a barometer for how 2006 was going to be.

i sure hope i didn't self-sabotage myself with that statement, but despite 2006 having it's moments, 2006 will mos def not go down as one of the greatest years of my life.

...and that was as far as i had planned out to write. the rest will probably come off as incoherent, self-indulgent, and badly-badly-badly written. the only reason i'm writing this, well, i'm depressed right now if you couldn't tell. it's about of being bipolar. and my therapist was talking about how sometimes being depressed is just the depression talking, that the thoughts i'm having are nothing more than the product of screwy genetics and a wicked chemical imbalance.

i kind of want to test that out. see when or if i'm feeling better i can look back on it and laugh about it, "oh, i was a being such a stereotypical angst jockey". you see, once you get to know my internal patterns and workings i'm always sniping at past decsions i'm making, for fear of being called on it by others. and that's why you notice the perpetual self-deprecation. it's to protect myself from being called out by other people due to my short comings.

anyway, tangent. and i don't know where to start. so should i end it? yeah, probably.

so i'm pretty sure that it's just the increased dosage in my lithium, plus the reinstatement of my abilify (15mg, no less) talking, but i'm honestly am feeling pretty good. that's not to say that all of my crippling mental tics and nerousis and perpetual wanting to throw myself from a moving vehicle at high speeds are cured, they're more like swept under the rug. kind of like procrastinating on a paper until the last night until it's due. it feels like that. and hey, instead of trying to be a martyr to my mental shortcomings, i'm atempting to live it out. smiling is becoming more natural to me, a spring in my step, eh.

just trying to add more content to my vox.

EDIT: come to think about it, this can be hypomanic episode. i think it's funny when i can't even accept happiness as happiness, and have to suspect it as being part of bi-polar disorder.